While the fall grew longer all I wanted is for it to end and go back to my old town and be that kid, to live that vicious circle a million times over and over. All I wanted is for the fall to open a door for me to finish what I have started and finally find peace, the peace that I never found in my life.
I woke up in my bed, laid down with a sore body and a broken soul; I looked deep down into the void and stared into the hollow life I have to live before I end up a servant again. To whom should I pray now, and to whom my prayers will be sent, I am caught up in chains, walking through the muddy earth with rain pouring over me thus I will never be clean again.
I got out to the street to look again at the million faces that terrify me to the core of my soul, everyone one of them is meant to hurt me in a million ways. I saw every ending of every life I ever had and I will have, I was a king and I was peasant, I was an artist and I was a villain, I was feared and I was loved, I was carried by people and I frowned upon my blessings, and I ran to God to find shelter and he turned me into a tool in a billion tools.
When will my freedom manifest, when will my existence have a meaning, when will meaning find its way to my hands? What to do when you were meant to be a rebel? What do you do when you were meant to fail? When every road you take has the same outcome: failure? When everyone you loved was meant to have their blood in your hand? Every face I see in the street passing by me, not knowing I am the one who will cause their doomsday.
I couldn’t handle the guilt and the shame, so I ran into my room while hearing the chains on my hands and feet chuckling, reminding me of my uselessness. On my way, I see every face, every fake smile, every weak point, and every detail about people. I got too tired of this life; I got too tired of being just a tool in his hand or anyone's hand. I stood in the middle of the town and screamed at the top of my lungs but no one heard me. I looked around and everyone’s walking normally, doesn’t it feel so scary to be invisible and worthless? Doesn’t it feel bad to be on the side no matter what you do? So why all of a sudden I feel … free?
I looked around and noticed that no matter what I do, I will never be noticed or seen, so why not just fight God, at least if I am going to be an insignificant servant, I will be doing it with style. A sparkling smile was drawn on my face just like the one that the guy had in his face the stage day; I walked then with confidence while the crowd opened up a path in front of me, reality is whatever I want it to be now.
I will burn every path I had, I will burn bridges I built, I will destroy the art that I once dreamt to finish. Life is meaningless and so do my actions from now on, I will be the invisible sword of God, I will look at God in the eye and tell him how, I am what he wanted me to be, and more.
I never knew the evil’s wine was so delicious; to be feared again and seeing everyone that crushed me with the simplest acts are now crying rivers with my slightest finger touch. Battle drums were my favorite sound to have my breakfast on and by the sunset, every village would be on its knees begging God for mercy, but there was no God to answer now. All that could hear is their anger and sorrow in me, and it’s like music to my ear. A villain was never a bad person, it was always an anti-hero that the storytellers neglected and portrayed as a criminal. Only if humanity stopped being judgmental and spent more time caring there would never be a bad side, I was there when utopia existed, still as it was burned to the ground by humanity’s own greediness and neglect. You may guess now who put the first light on the fire, I did it with a smile because I was always was and will always be the man with a million faces and you would like to see none of them.
My evil journey was never easy, but it paid off very quickly all the fires, the tears, the anger, created the same symphony and I was never even noticed or looked at. I found humanity's biggest weakness and used it as my weapon, it’s the false self-worth and ego especially, that I have none. I bathed in the blood of the victims and drank the tears of the sinners, and I walked to the mirror, took a look at my face after my accomplishment. I looked beautiful, powerful, and remarkable, but there was something about me. I looked like .. a God, I became the thing I fear the most…
The mirror reflected and smiled at me, and said “ good job”
TO BE CONTINUED… Moroccan Writers intellectual property ©
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