All we get in this world is been judged and overlooked, we end up forgetting that people might carry weights we can never handle even listening to.
What you are about to witness can't have one trigger, so if you have a weak soul I advise you to not read it, or read it at your own risk. This isn't a work of fiction; this is a confession of a dangerous mind. Cheers...
Chapter 1:
Hello son,
It's been a while since the last time our hands held, and longer since you held into my finger with your tiny hands. It's been forever since we were overdoing a long talk, a one-sided talk and it's about time you hear my voice. Your part of me as grief is part of life, as loss is part of us. It took me a lifetime to have you and only a few minutes to lose you, and a decade to lose hope of finding you.
Tell me how's your health been since? How you've dealt with life when the wind didn't blow the way your ships hoped? Do you pray for me, or curse me in cursive for bringing you to this life? Are you enjoying life in pajamas and hot chocolate, or did you touch rock bottom and owned it like you always do?
No matter how many times I ask you, I can never know how you feel, but I did hear your silenced screams at night. I heard your Wyoming to every prayer to find the right way; I heard your cries for mercy when nobody did. You always questioned me and my decision for bringing you to such a life. You’ve always held into the devil's hands and let go of mine. I heard you when you lost ways and forgot how to look for me; you forgot me and forgot everything about me.
Rest assured, this is not a blame game letter but an overdue apology letter. Forgive me, son, for the years wasted of your life to get a fair shot, forgive me for the years wasted wondering about lost identity, forgive me for having issues only God could understand, forgive me for letting go in a minute of fear and regret, forgive me for letting your weak body to be eaten by monsters, forgive me for taking reckless decisions, forgive me I did what I could as I should. I put you in the best family I could find, the most godlike in the ungodly world I put you in, I gave you the start I could never have. I wanted you to believe and grow, not cry over daddy's girlfriends' shoulders. I wanted you to stumble upon wise words and walk in the steps of god, not swim in liquor and sin.
I spent a lifetime of trial and fail, sin and faith, and wishing I get to see the day where I see a part of me that isn’t shady. Till the day you came after a mistaken night, to create the furthest thing of a mistake. You were the right thing in the wrong life, but I committed a mistake nevertheless. I know you ain't a believer in god but I am speaking now from beyond the curtains of the skies, I am speaking from the heavens and I don’t deserve an inch of it but with you, I lived in the heavens of life. You would think if heavens existed, they would let me talk to you. Maybe a long phone call or a walk on the beach could clear the air of years of abandonment. But I was there in every song you felt in your souls, in every laugh of Dave, in every lecture of miss Donda, in everyone in your crowd, in every amen you said with your heart full. Daddy's here, Daddy is always here. Daddy always worried about you, Daddy stayed nights drowning in guilt, and Daddy died in vain and thought you would be eaten by monsters again. But I only needed to worry about myself, because son you created a name of your own, deleted the years you spent with me, and outgrew every expectation. You lived the life that none expected for you, you deleted the orphan name from your dictionary and grew the wings I stole from you at birth. You lived every ridiculous dream Daddy could never amount to and cut the bloodline of failure. Daddy's proud, Daddy's here.. but no longer in need... I fucked up, so son you're no longer here...
Chapter 2:
Dear heavens in the sky,
It's been a significant amount of time since the last time I held my hand high and wished for a Christmas miracle, but this time I look up to you and hope you deliver my words through the clouds. I want you to tell my own blood and flesh that I received their words, that the words crossed all the stars and empty space to reach a sick empty heart.
Ask him for me, did he ever regret or second thought my loss? Did he cry when I doubted the afterlife when he looked down at me? Does he remember the couple of years he spent with me before letting go of my hand? Does he consider me lucky to be put in a godly nest? To live in ignorance and ignored that our bloodline is known for pocking the lies in their eyes? What did he sense when I heard him from far and beyond, did his eyes water down and I became what he didn't want me to be? Does he still remember the silenced breaths and the pleasure scream that made me behind some building or in some high place? Did he know few reckless minutes could result in a bloodline of misery? Does it keep him at night that his own son carries another name, and a completely different heart? Is he happy of what I became? Was he part of it and came as an angel or as that water drop to kill my thirst when I was left alone to die? Can he see me down here in the blue aura and the black hat? Is he okay lying to me and say Daddy's here? Did he lie to make me smile or is it just a bloodline that can't help but fall in the pool of lies? I wished Daddy were here when life said no mister, no to life, no to laugh, no to nothing. I wished Daddy was here when the doors closed, and I was eaten alive behind closed doors. I wished Daddy was here when God took your soul and left me with lies to solve. I wished Daddy was here when I learned about women and loved them, but found nothing to rely on, all I heard behind the skis curtains was your silenced breath with that lady, all I knew was to watch because I can't give the love I never got, all I knew was the lies I was chained to since birth. Are you proud of yourself? Disguising in the laughs of Dave? In the wisdom of Dr. Donda? In the music that raised me when everybody refused? Do you want to light a cigarette next time and tell me how everything was a lie? Do you want to tell me how everything in life is either lies or perverted? How can I look at the woman of my dream in the eyes and tell her I love you to your core soul and I lost my all life for your sins? How can I love and be loved when you're the last in this bloodline that was beloved? How can I hold her hand and ask her for a little one of my own, when I myself am still that little one inside? That little one that waited for too long in the schoolyard to be picked but never did? But damn right I picked myself, damn right I thought myself how to do stuff, damn right I flew out of the nest you snuck me in, I swam across from the lies coast to the shore of misery, damn right Daddy never was here but I was. I maybe could never love or be loved, I could have the silenced screams like you, maybe I could never continue your cursed bloodline, but I damn succeeded in what you never could, I marched in the sea of sin and landed in the hands of the virtue, by myself, alone, with no hearts to miss me and no hands to catch me, Daddy's not here and never will be, but here I am...
Chapter3:
To God upon us, and the devil's beneath us, we are the humans we come in between the evil and the good. That's how I write to you today... Dear daughter...
It feels odd to talk to you for the first time, even though this paper might never reach but I know God will deliver.
I write to you with a short breath and muffled tears, and long breaths to regulate my anxiety. Looking back on my doubts about you, makes me regret it and think it was all my mistake. We both come from a dirty bloodline between lies and entanglements, a bloodline I wanted to take you out of it but I wanted to make sure you were alive first. You were the only person in this world I cared for other than myself and loved a certain way I never was loved before. You were the daughter of many promises to myself to be the best dad in the world, to give you heaven on earth, and cut the line of mistakes that took me years to debunk. I wanted to look at you in the eyes and tell you Daddy's here and mean it for once, and hold your little hand and never let them go. I wanted to get you out of this horrible world and create a better one just for you. Shower you with love and don't let you die of thirst like I was left for years. I wanted to fill the ocean with unconditional love, not with pleasure and liquor. I wanted to be the last black sheep of this DNA and help raise the angel that you are.
I heard my dad from the sky, and my mom from the dirt but I wanted you to hear me first person, and smile when I tell you how much I love you. But I turned out to be the worst dad on this earth, worse than my own paps and every descendant in our family tree. I would've loved to see your pretty eyes, but your mother took the decision to cut the lifeline away from you while you're a fetus. Your mother and I rolled in the dirt, with love in my heart and lust in hers. I was as dumb as a lover and she was as dumb as a kid. We purely created you, and she killed you out of terror and fear for her selfish life. I wasn't the dad she wanted for her daughter, but she had no right of taking you away from me. I wanted you to be the queen she never was, the love of my life I never had, the sweet taste in a bitter life. I wanted you to be the after party of a horrible show called my life, I always pictured that the news of having you will be at a party but it was in a hospital out of the shock of losing you. You thought me many lessons even if I never had the chance to meet you, I learned that I too can love a woman that you could've become and that women are to nourish and cherish not to conquer, and the life of virtue is the only way I could make you proud of me. You thought me that I need to confess to God how much I love you daily because that's the only way I can speak to you.
Losing you was how I lost my faith in God and life, how I lost the light in my eyes and the hope in my heart. Her selfishness had me stumbling upon rage and shame, and my decision after was unwise and I know. I know sending your mom to you, and cutting her lifeline wasn't how you wanted to meet your mother, but she killed you darling and nobody touch my baby girl. You'll always be my one and only, and soon enough I'll join you in the after-party and you'll be my new soul. How can I live anyway after you left? I can't sleep without dreaming of you! No matter how much liquor I drown myself in or pills I pop, no matter how much I look at babys’ videos and wish it was us, no matter how much I read about how to raise you well, no matter how much I wish you stayed alive and pray God to unite us, I'd never have the courage to look at you in the eyes to tell you Daddy's here because Daddy fucked up like my Dad did or worst. Daddy loves you, my little princess, Daddy will always dream of you, Daddy builds the courage to follow you and Mommy. Daddy is coming...
A never-ending chain of mistakes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6koLnpVKBdc&ab_channel=TrillaMatt