Taking small steps towards a golden framed mirror in the middle of the desert, where I finally find my last sanctuary, where it felt like home and where it may end the biggest massacre known to humankind.
I got ahead of myself and I assure you it’s the least harmful mistake I made in a while, I will introduce to you my humble self. I am the man with a million names, famously known as the anti-hero or the dark side of the moon. I was born in a poor family that has nothing significant to offer, my biggest dream was to get out of the loop I was put to follow (to be born, eat sleep, produce more worthless me, die), all I wanted is an escape or a fair shot into this immense world, to give and create. As any kid, I had big dreams but very odd ones too, I dreamed to fly but not as a bird, but surfing in the Milky Way and I wanted to be a doctor not to cure diseases but to cure people of their fake lives. I may have stepped on a lucky leprechaun coin or had a “home alone” situation but I grew up just to be the exact thing I had all over my dreams. I did everything I could, to create an escape into the bright side, but the world had always had a different plan for my future, I was always put back into my place and pushed down, ran over, and smashed into little pieces. I took the little pieces and glued them back together to create the most beautiful painting you could ever see, but humans destroyed it and cut it into pieces because it didn’t fit in their point of view on beauty so I ran to the mountains and I cursed a parent who brought me to this miserable life and on a God who pushed me over and over to be under people who didn’t deserve or worked for it. I screamed and cursed all I wanted but I am only a man so I fall on my knees to shout my final scream under the tears falling down from the eyes of the sky, I rolled down the hill and went into the hands of Hypnos to kiss me into the best sleep I have ever had, far from nightmares but rather to the real dreamland. I opened my eyes to a crowd of people and if I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I woke up to an Edith Piaf song, but the crowd pushed me directly backstage. I never stood before a crowd since I was a kid asking for a change in small crowds, and now I was pushed to the stage and I saw a bearded man young handsome that seemed trustworthy, he looked me in the eye and told me “here is the microphone it’s your time to shine” I walked to the stage and all I found was emptiness: the crowd left me alone and I saw the guy in the backstage smiling with pride. I woke up again down the hill with an injured back and a tired body. I walked back and I am all hoping to achieve the dream, as the guy said: MY TIME.
The time passes by and I work day and night on lighting the sea on fire, my dreams were too big to fit my charmless profile and lack of luck. So I held that dream dear to my heart and pushed over every slap, every tackle, every hit, and took it with a smile, a helping hand to everyone I could. I wanted to be the underrated Jesus, the Moses who would take me and the people I once loved to the shore of success; I wanted to dig the tunnel of escape into the land of prosperity. The luck and fortune looked me in the eyes and told me ‘’ you will end up like Caesar ‘’ and I ended up being stabbed by everyone I chose to be around me, my crowd pushed me into the shore of regret and bad memories. I was crippled, I lost the legs of trust I once had, and I lost the eyes of hope I viewed with. All I was left with is useless wings I have to fly over the earth and I will see every place that reminds me of the failure I am, and the ability to go back in time and see how I failed every minute of my existence.
I sat there to see humans taking my creations and destroying them once by one, walking to my temples and breaking everything I spent months to build. What now? What do I have to do?
Do I rise from my ashes?
And look through the humanity glasses
Or do I run again to the top of the hill?
And scream again that I will
Will win
And will sin
Will rise
But will fall through my cries
How do I end up rhyming now?
And I’m the one who hated poetry and now to it I bow
Damn you, God
Are you really there or is it just a facade?
I looked down and I knew there was no response from above. Since when has anyone answered my prayers and I am the one who saw hell from humans and beyond. No cursing or shouting would fix the pain I live every second, how do you want me to live and there is to be a stone on my chest every second. I fall to the ground again and let my tired body be carried by the dirt.
I woke up to the sound of violins, a beautiful orchestra; I was in a booth up where the rich people always sat in movies. I looked and there was the stage guy sitting in a marble seat, and next to him there was a similar one with my name graved on the golden back. I walked with slow steps and looked at him and before I say anything he put his finger on his lips ‘shhhh you came to witness the first part, take a seat son’’
I sat down there, I have never dreamed of witnessing a concert let alone a beautiful symphony and I looked down and all the seats were empty, even the other balconies. The show was terrific., I was glued to my sit tearing down every now and then, from how beautiful the man is and his music took me to places I have never been before. The show ended on a great finality and I look to the left and the guy was sitting there with tears in his eyes as well stood up and clapped while screaming “ bravo”, I followed his lead and clapped till I was out of breath. He sat me down and looked at me with teary eyes and said “welcome again dear traveler” and looked at the musician down and said:
- do you know him?
- No sir, I don’t
- Of course, you don’t, he never saw the light and died in the 17 century poor in one of the cities of Romania. Alone and depressed he put a bullet through his throat.
- Oh gosh! Does that mean I’m dead... like him?
- do you feel dead?
- No, not after his show!
- There you go! He never saw the light and neither did any of the orchestras. All of them were failures and misfits they never saw a good day and most of them died alone or killed themselves.
- So what you came here to tell me, is to keep fighting and hoping to not end up like them?
- Apparently not! I brought you here today to tell you that you are a loser.
- oh, thank you! Who are you anyway?
- I am something you call God!
- So even god see me as a loser, that’s interesting
He sighed, looked at me, and said “I didn’t bring you here to discipline you but I brought you here to show you why you are still failing! Didn’t I visit you a couple of years ago and gave you the ability to have a silver tongue? Didn’t I give you the best story I gave to Caesar: to be stabbed by everyone and learn the value of people around you? Didn’t I give you wings to fly away and see the world? Didn’t I take hope from you to see humanity as it is with no imaginary addition? I blessed you with so much and all you have seen is the sorrow in your heart and the people who you lost! Can’t you see now that you were never meant to fit or to be one of them! I created you to be the sword of wrong and sin, to be the misfit who holds the mirror that I once created for humans. I blessed them too with everything, technology, and science, and all they would need. Humans took the blessings and turned them into living hell, but you were the change I wanted to see. Your words never meant to be read by many, and your art never meant to be groundbreaking. You were mine to love and admire, and my sword that one day will break free in the sky of creativity. I gave you wings to look from above and create; I gave you the sorrow to stay on earth and work to make the change. In my books you were the anti-hero that will never see the light, you will die unknown but you will be the turning point of humanity. Why are you fighting your destiny to be loved by sinners and wrong-doers, all of them stabbed you because you were never meant to be for them your treasure was loneliness? You will always be my sword, the one cuts, and hits, to hurt the wrongdoers, and break the hearts of people who didn’t bow to my will, although they reached perfection. I am here and will always be here to fight them with you and will never stop. He took few steps towards me and looked at me straight in the eyes and said “you are not a man” I got so furious from his demeaning comment, but before I lose my temper he added “you were many men that lived and died without even being noticed” and pointed at the musicians down and as if they were all my doppelgangers. I was so confused I took a few steps back and fell from the balcony, the fall was so long, it made me remember all of my past lives, and how much pain I went through to be his servant. How many people hated me, wished to harm me... I never wanted to be evil, all I wanted is to be FREE…
To be continued...
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