Anastasia.

December 2020,

It was a day, when I woke up in a very early morning, got dressed up, and went for a coffee’ I have never done this, I’m always late, for everything, but that day was the day I was finally meant to see her.

I wore my best dress, just to feel myself for once, I have been depressed for a while now, and this time, I have decided to open up, to see the world in a different perspective. I have arrived to a coffee shop that I have never been to before, even on my way there, the air never felt the same on my skin: as if it was kissing my shoulders and caressing my cheeks, my hair was half wet because of my shower, still, it flew by the wind.

I remember the first time I fell in love, with a man, by the second I heard his voice, I fell for him. An angelic voice that made me day dream about him in a matter of days. His smile would brighten up the room, his face was so beautiful, but little did i know about his heart ...

I ordered a latte, my eyes looking down, and as if something told me to look up; she was so beautiful, sitting alone in a table sipping her coffee, reminiscing, I believe, she looked like an angel... she caught me gazing at her, smiled and invited me to sit next to her, I have not hesitated for a second. I have, not for a split of a second, cared about anything going around me, I was listening to her story, reading the one in her eyes, her tongue flattered her lips, and her fingers caressed away the warmth of her cup. Her legs were crossed; that perfectly softened skin of hers made me think of all of the things I wanted to do with her, not to her...

He used to take me on dates, buy me flowers, he gave me everything I expected to have, I wished to be his forever. Yes, his. That is how much I was involved.the days were not passing, but more of floating: dates every day, wine sipping on the counter of his kitchen, passionate sex to make me forget all of my sorrows. And there it was, the biggest problem, my sorrows.

Her name was Anna, short for Anastasia, and trust me, once I heard her name, I kissed her, Without second guessing, and the surprise of it, she kissed me back. Out of the blue, she pulled my hand, paid for her coffee, then went back to her flat, and for her, I left my plans behind, my insecurities, and my negative thoughts, with Anastasia, I was free. As not expected, we didn’t have sex, we talked, and spoke and listened to each other. We cared and compared, we laughed and hugged. The feeling of safety, hope, and love are some feelings I have never thought I would feel ever again. The way she ignored all her phone calls, the way she was looking at my eyes while I share my whole 21 years with her. All of this within a morning, a morning only, is all what it took for me to fall in love with her. I fell in love with her because she didn’t feel sorry for me, she felt proud...

I confided in him, told him my secrets and everything that is wrong with me, yet he used sex as a way to get to me, or moreover to destroy me: I was raped, I told him how it happened, and as if he recreated the scene. I told him I was beaten up when I was a kid, and he beat me with every word he said. I got naked in front of him and he re-opened my wounds. I was in pain through every moment I spent with him, but I couldn’t run away from it, I just needed to belong to someone, or something, anything. And by the day I left him ... I was hollowed.

We didn’t have sex, we made love, she wasn’t a piece of skin for me, she was me: a reflection of mine, when she smiled, I bloomed, when we made love, I fell for her deeper and deeper, she was everything I have ever needed. While he was everything I wanted.

That early morning changed my life, even if it didn’t last for me and Anna, but she taught me how to love myself, how to accept my flaws, how to see the world in a different perspective. I took a shot in the most unexpected path, I have loved after getting ruined, love needs you to take a leap of faith, she died, but I’m living for her.

-aging